TheBigBlackRamblings

Yeah, it’s been a while. What can I say? I’ve been busy. I got the new job at the Chicken Shack as the Trainee Assistant Deputy Drive-Thru Manager, and the birth of the twins Jobe and Jehosephat (so we moved into a bigger trailer) – oh, and Grandpa Joe moving into the barn out back last month, saw we had to restraw his mattress.

All lies of course.

Grandpa Joe is in a nursing home. We ain’ts gots no monies to be feedin’ up on him.

In actual fact, I’ve been North that often for work that I sometimes forget what day it is. I only remember when I taste the first mouthful of the sweet nectar of a Farmer’s Union Iced Coffee that I get some idea – It must be a Sunday / Monday / Tuesday / Wednesday / Thursday / Friday… or maybe Saturday.

What impact does this have to a 10 minute session (that usually turns into 10 pages) on the keyboard to prattle some blueish green (and occasionally runny) caca? The Inspirado is the key, and I ain’t got much as life has been running business as usual. There has been the addition of the Ford Escape, and Donna broke her ankle moving the cupboard I told her not to move (because it was too heavy for one person), Opeth has been and gone again (and as always played a flawless set) – oh, and granny White died late July. I have no grandmas now. I know I only had 2 to start with, but when they both depart, the world spins on a bit of a different angle to how it used to. She was 94, so I can’t complain.

So what has sparked this revival from the writer’s block blues you ask? (If you didn’t ask, I shall tell you anyway… Then go a put a screwdriver in your ear and push until your words come out jumbled. You deserve to treat yourself once in a while).

2 things that have had great musical/emotional impact on me, and hopefully others on our wee planet. I ain’t talking events as big as the gulf war or 9/11 (although I possibly care more about them based on hearing less), but big to me.

Pink Floyd Founder Richard Wright Died On Monday From Cancer Aged 65

Yeah – I know he was the keyboard player – but he was possibly the only one EVER to be worthy of playing in a rock band. I still wouldn’t want to see him laying down and Moog funk on the new Morbid Angel album, you get where I am at. With Pink Floyd from it’s birth, to it’s eventual death, Wright has never really been credited enough for his contributions. He wrote and sang on many a Floyd favourite including Astronomy Domine and Us And Them, and was the dude behind some of that early psychedelic flare that made them the monster they became.

I guess that every real Floyd fan silently hoped that one day we would see a last great masterwork from the foursome, but I think the coffin lid has now been nailed shut (no pun intended). I doubt that the other 3 would even consider ever flying the hammer banner again without Richard. As much as it pains me to say it – I hope they don’t.

Richard Wright (Now)

Richard Wright (Then)

Metallica Releases Death Magnetic On September 12

It is like I am 15 again. Metallica are loud and heavy, and I can’t get enough of that magnetic stuff. This fucking rocks. No holds barred, and possibly the fastest Metallica album ever!

Of course, the internet is a-buzz with sooking little uberfuckwits that cry that James didn’t play this note, and Kirk didn’t use this peddle and the production is only 98.6% as good as it could be, and that the song titles didn’t all start with the letter Q blah blab blah blah piss piss piss moan moan moan. Seriously, the dipshits talk of the classic albums like they matter to them – 1) they are all 12 years old so have no context of the relevancy of the band anyway, especially when they says things like “Trivium is the new Metallica”, and 2) if they loved the original albums so much, how could they turn so quickly on the band, the instant they do the slightest thing differently (that they don’t happen to like)? I bet these turds class the black album as great album also… In one breath they mutter Master Of Puppets is the greatest album ever, then comment that Metallica has no talent. Um, oxymoron, moron. One dipshit even edited the tracks to shorter versions, after harking on about ‘the glory days’ – if had even listened to the glory days he would know that the tracks back then were all of considerable length…

Let the fucktards hate. I don’t care. Metallica are back… having said that though – it is more like Metallica are heavy again. They never really left for me. Sure, I wanted more in the 90s, but what I got served I made do with. I am like one of those children at the zoo that stands in front of the orangutan cage and cries every time shit gets hurled at him. I cry, but then stand in the same place next time, hoping to catch the best look at the monkeys.

Get it today (not tomorrow), and bang your head against the stage like you never did before…

Metallica - Death Magnetic

Well, the mighty Immortal have graced our shores, and made a little stop-off at Fowler’s. It was a huge show, and MK and I left very satisfied!

Runes (?) played first – I think they are a Tassie Black Metal band. Apart from the singer thinking that with his shirt off he could pass as Jim Morrison, they actually played a pretty good, accessible set.

Immortal hit the stage with a bang, and raced through nearly 90 minutes of perfectly executed Black Metal. The sound was exceptional – a great mix, and the addition of the newly installed roof sound buffers helped immensely. Peaking at 43 degrees that day, we did here the occasional ‘Fuck, it’s hot here!’ stage banter from a leather and spike clad Abbath – but otherwise it was an all round professional show. Apollyon proved he is not only a good bass player, but very good at catching his own spit in his mouth, and Horgh waked away without even breaking a sweat…

Only complaint – we didn’t get any fire breathing! A bad venue for fire breathing I guess…

Next up – Mayhem in May!

As Basil Fawlty (John Cleese) would say – THIS IS TYPICAL!

Porcupine Tree have announced their first ever Australian tour, and guess what spudmonkeys? Yeah, you guessed it – Sydney, Melbourne, Brisbane as always.

What a bitch.

Oh well, MK and I have our tickets to Immortal for March locked in, so that will have to do for the time being…

feral – [feer-uhl]
–adjective
1.    existing in a natural state, as animals or plants; not domesticated or cultivated; wild.
2.    having reverted to the wild state, as from domestication: a pack of feral dogs roaming the woods.
3.    of or characteristic of wild animals; ferocious; brutal.
4.    born in Smithfield, South Australia.

Picture it – I am driving my car through Smithfield to the video shop. It’s a nice leisurely drive, and I bask in the warm sunlight and ‘Novembers Doom’ blasting from Speedy’s stereo lulls me into Noddyland. I even casually glance to the left to admire the two young ladies strolling down the footpath.

But alas – Here my lovely story goes pair-shaped. To say the least.

s the girls stroll past a motor wreckers, a large dog runs to the fence and begins to bark. Nothing odd here. He’s a dog. He barks. The strange part is when the two girls turn and face the dog and begin spitting at it.

It is a dog. It is unintelligent, and behind a fence. They are apparently human beings, the most evolved creatures in the know universe.

Do these people one day make a conscience decision not to take part in civilization and the practices of society, or is the feralness passed down in their genes? Do they one day wake up surrounded by 14 ugly kids, an empty carton of VB, and a cold-sore and realise that their parents robbed them of their right to be human, or do they thank them for having passed down the virtues of showering very little? I guess what I am trying to get at here, is do they choose to be this way, and if so, why? How is their life enlightened by choosing to step to the left of the rest of humanity?

Again, George Constanza…

I was walking down the street this morning and I noticed a woman walking toward me looking at her phone. She was obviously SMS-ing or something. She was well dressed in a business suit – obviously a woman of some decorum. In her haste to get to where she was going (and with her head still down) she crashed straight into me.

She looked up at me, and I smiled, waiting for a hasty apology. Instead she muttered ‘Watch where you are going!’ and shoved past me. Being me, and not someone of finer language skills, I proclaimed back ‘FUCK YOU, YOU CUNT’. She gave me quite the dirty look in response (I’m not sure why?), and hurled a barrage of abuse at me, before continuing at high speed down the footpath – head still down, looking at her phone.

Now, my question is this – Was I wrong in my response? Oh, maybe I should have apologized to her, as it was my fault after all? No way. Stupid bitch.

In the words of George Costanza: You know, we are living in a society!

O.K. MK – You want me to build a dream band?

 I’m gonna build two! One rock – One metal.

Rock -
Vocals – Eddie Vedder of Pearl Jam
Lead Guitar – David Gilmour of Pink Floyd
Rhythm Guitar –
Bass –
Drums –

Lyrics – Bob Dylan
Producer – Steven Wilson

Metal -
Vocals – Mikael Akerfeldt of Opeth
Lead Guitar – Dave Mustaine of Megadeth
Rhythm Guitar -
Bass – Steve Harris of Iron Maiden
Drums – Lars Ulrich of Metallica

Producer -

That’s it so far.

These things take time…. Where’s yours?

It has been a mighty year. I first witnessed Slayer, and now the mighty Megadeth. I have now seen Metallica more times than I remember, and the reformed classic Anthrax in 2005. I think to really be satisfied, Exodus are the only one left to peruse. Let’s hope they visit our shores sometime soon.

My moshing companion was of course my heterosexual life-partner, and devoted rattlehead compadre MK, but for this excursion of blood, sweat and darkness we also took with us the prodigy of TheBigBlack – the young Uncle Gordon, attending his first concert (besides an excursion or two to ‘The Wiggles’ in his earlier days). Besides Paul Graham once asking me to stop humming the theme tune to ‘Thomas The Tank Engine’ in the line-up to a Metallica concert (as he seriously feared for his life), I have never seen anyone so excited with anticipation – and so scared for his own life at the same time. As the metal oracle and mentor, I possibly should have warned him to wear something black… At least I provided him with the rules of engagement – You are always safe if 1. You fall down once people will help you up (but if you fall down twice they will kick the crap out of you for being a dipshit) 2. If you see a hot metal babe, her boyfriend’s biceps will be proportional to the shortness of her skirt, so to protect your interests (and your testicles), staring is not an option, and 3. If you are grabbed by a giant hairy guy that growls in your face with breath smelling of cheap gin and hemp, don’t lash out screaming -  just growl back, as her doesn’t want to kill you, he just wants to growl with you…

Now to be honest, the whole Gigantour ‘experience’ was nothing that special, but Megadeth were brilliant, and Dave Mustaine in the flesh of course made it all worthwhile. If I was given the choice to play like any metal guitarist, he would be it. He is not the fastest shredder on the planet (although there was a time when he was), but he is the only one that is so distinctively original and recognisable, even after all these years.

Lacuna Coil started the show – 30 minutes earlier than the advertised doors-open time, but luckily we arrived early, and saw them from a couple of tracks in. There were a lot better live than on album – heavier and keyboard-less. Christina Scabbia has an amazing voice live, not missing a note, and of course providing some female style and Italian beauty to an otherwise male evening. She was professional and classy, and yes, the photos don’t lie – she is stunningly beautiful in person.

Next up were Static-X. Newly converted Static-fan MK ran to the front to stomp with the 10 year olds, while I kicked back with the Uncle and enjoyed Wayne’s hairstyle. They were entertaining, but what I expected – 3 dropped-D chords and not much else. 45 minutes of my life I will never get back unfortunately…

DevilDriver took the stage and I felt the earth shake. The first self titled DD album still had that nu-metal Coal Chamber ring, but since then, they have bludgeoned. Live they are no different. The crowd responded well (even if most of them were scared stupid of the big scary hairy men on stage), and I was quite impressed with the set. Midway Dez cleared the floor and started a giant circle pit the size of the Thebby’s floor area. Quite the sight to behold, 5000 drunk metalheads charging around a slippery, litter strewn floor. There would have been a bruise or two in the morning, to say the least. I went for a run and copped a couple myself – but all in the name of good violent fun of course.

Finally, Megadeth took the stage. This wasn’t the classic line-up of course, but I didn’t give a shit. In fact, no one seemed to. We were there to see Dave and Dave alone – no one else on stage mattered. I shouldn’t bag the other guys of course – they were quite brilliant – but they were just hired guns… They shredded through everything we needed to hear – oldies, newies - all the best really – including the compulsory ‘A Tout Le Monde’ duet with Christina. They ended with a brilliant version of ‘Holy Wars’ that warped into ‘The Mechanix’, then back into ‘The Punishment Due’.

We all went home very satisfied. Smelly, hot, and sweaty – but yep, very satisfied.

Here’s a video or two of the occasion -

Lacuna Coil – Daylight Dancer

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ieS5JWUnaM

Static-X – This Is Not

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wScvy0YFL8s

DevilDriver – Clouds Over California

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YAxj4NnvO4E 

Megadeth with Christina Scabbia – A Tout Le Monde

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-jHv8FV1rYo 

Megadeth – The Mechanix / The Punishment Due

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U5tD37zik50

Someone asked me a few months back what my ’stranded on a desert island’ albums would  be. The only rule apparently is that I can only take 10 albums. No more. No less. Rock / Metal / Pop – whatever – but only 10. And no compilations, of course – that makes it too easy.

I think this sort of question is more evil than the dark lord of the goatkind himself, but I’ll try to think of them.

In no particular order -

Black Sabbath – Black Sabbath (1970)

Without a doubt, still the greatest metal album in history – and of course, the first. Every metal band for the last 35 years owes it all to this one. The riffs. The lyrics. It’s all here. Oh – And Ozzy is a legend of course. He bit a bat’s head off – how could he not be? I can listen to this one for all eternity. Which begs the question really – if Black Sabbath is going to Hell for being evil, and I am going to Hell for listening to them being evil, won’t that mean that I will get free seats to Black Sabbath every night in the afterlife? That would make it more like Heaven. This is like some sort of religious paradox…

Bob Dylan – Highway 61 Revisited (1965)

I don’t need to mention my obsession for Bob Dylan – you all know about it. What I will mention is this album. This was the first album that ‘awakened’ me musically. I was 7 years old and found it in a pile of LPs my dad had brought back from Vietnam. Little did I know that my parents hated it (as would my wife and friends in years to come)… Every tone and texture is perfect, from the opening snare crack on ‘Like A Rolling Stone’ to the final strum of ‘Desolation Row’. Brilliant.

Burzum – Burzum (1992)

This is still one of the darkest albums I have ever heard. True black metal is not about the speed, or the production, or the evil lyrics – it’s about the ‘darkness’. How Varg Vikernes could capture such a feel as this at 17 years old, I’ll never understand. Yeah – It’s raw in places. The drumming is out of time. The riffs are simplistic and often badly executed. The lyrics are corny and cliché.  But none of that matters, as the music drips with the blood of dead Vikings. It is almost trance inducing at times. Still the most tortured vocals in metal history, and hopefully will always be. I don’t think I own any CD that I have played more than this one. Except maybe the others on this list…

Megadeth – So Far, So Good… So What!  (1988)

It’s possible that I know this album better than any other album I own. As a teenager I played this album so much that I had to buy another copy (but on tape, of course – vinyl is on it’s way out, man…). Listening now, I hear the cheesy 80s production, and cringe, but the guitar work and songwriting still captivate me. I think they always will. Dave Mustaine is God. His playing style is like an old pair of slippers to me… so comfortable.

Metallica – …And Justice For All (1988)

I know it’s not their best album (and some claim it was the first stumble in the fall of Metallica…), but for me it is perfection. I love every note. I like the long drawn out songs. I like the industrial production. I like it. A lot. I think this album was an amazing step forward at the time, both for the band and for metal – and for me. I think this taught me a lot about musical maturity – fastest and heaviest wasn’t best. Not every thing has to be black – by adding some white, you can get a shade of grey.

Nirvana – In Utero (1993)

This was Kurt Cobain at the peak of his game. Forget about the sickly sweet sugar coated Nevermind – this is what Nirvana really sounded like. Listen to Bleach, then bop on into In Utero, and forgot about that radio friendly tripe in between. Kurt went out of his way to make this album as obtuse as possible to shed some of the nasty smelling radio-friendly audience, so much so that the first cut was rejected by Geffen Records until a remix was done. From the opening note, I know I am going home. Long live real Punk Rock. Long live real Nirvana.

Opeth – Orchid (1995)

Sure, later Opeth albums are possibly better written (and certainly better produced), but there is a certain magic here not on any later releases. The style is unique – even amongst their own catalogue. To create life, something must be given a soul. This album’s soul is dark and at times menacing, despairing, and empty. I once said that I fell in love with Opeth because they are the closest band I have ever heard to how I hear the music in my head, and this album is the closest to that sound.

Pearl Jam – Ten (1991)

If there ever was a silkier voice, I haven’t heard it. This is Eddie Vedder at his vocal best, and musically it is pretty perfect too. This is an amazingly intelligent and emotional album, especially for the band’s debut. Everything gels beautifully, and the production is exceptional. Ah Eddie – I am ready for the wedding when you are…

Pink Floyd – Animals (1977)

It’s odd really, but I think every die-hard Floyd fan I have ever met places this album at the top. It doesn’t have the wonderful cohesiveness of ‘Dark Side Of The Moon’, the songs don’t have the grandeur of ‘The Wall’, and there aren’t any radio songs like ‘Wish You Were Here’, but it has a magic that can’t be explained. I think the ‘Dogs’ centerpiece has a lot to do with the magic, with some of the most soulful Gilmour vocals and gritty Waters lyrics ever recorded.

Slayer – Reign In Blood (1986)

Anyone that knows me well can skip this one – they have heard it all before… The single greatest album in the history of recorded music. Simple as that. I have nothing more to say. Actually I do. This is still the evilest, most aggressive 29 minutes of music ever created – and always will be. Take it to your desert island or suffer without it…

Tool – Ænima (1996)

This is one of the most perfect rock albums ever written. It has the most amazing soul – it can lift and drop you so easily, and Maynard’s vocals are like an instrument. The lyrics are mystical and the riffs are unique. Tool have never even come close since. In fact, they have digressed…

There are some close calls and honorable mentions, for example –

Anthrax – Spreading The Disease (1985)
Bob Dylan – The Freewheelin’ Bob Dylan (1963)
Carcass – Necroticism: Descanting The Insalubrious (1991)
Exodus – Fabulous Disaster (1989)
Iron Maiden – Powerslave (1984)
Judas Priest – Rocka Rolla (1974)
Led Zeppelin – Led Zeppelin (1969)
Mayhem – De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas (1994)
Megadeth – Rust In Peace (1990)
Metallica – Master Of Puppets (1986)
Opeth – Blackwater Park (2001)
S.O.D. (Stormtroopers Of Death) – Speak English Or Die (1985)
Slayer – South Of Heaven (1988)
The Beatles – Abbey Road (1969)
The Beatles – Let It Be (1970)
The Jimi Hendrix Experience – Electric Ladyland (1968)

So there they are! The challenge is on. Let’s see what you got…

MK?

PS – This ramble was about 9 months in the making, as it was so damn hard… What do you mean there are 11 albums listed? I think you are mistaken. Count them again.

Why do you women these days carry two handbags? Is it not enough that you have one bottomless pit of perfumey-makeup-stuffs hung over your shoulders already – so big people in the street are knocked over – so big that you require an extra seat on the bus – and now every one of you carries a SECOND (usually larger) bag. Nicola informed me it is to fit your Gym gear. I am sorry, but I am pretty certain some of you ladies don’t use the gym. In fact, it is likely you have mudcake in the bag (and about 12 Woman’s Day magazines).

So here are the questions that keep me awake at night -

• What is in this second bag that couldn’t be fit in the first?
• What is in the first that couldn’t be removed to accommodate what is now in the second?
• Why is the first one so big anyways?
• Is this like a female version of penis envy? Instead of having the biggest car, you strive to have the largest handbag?

You should put your house keys in you pocket, then they won’t slide to the bottom of the bag every damn time.

(PS – I don’t need a big car, as I have The Black Bart – the largest hat in the world…)

I have always been a Neil Young fan, but his album ‘Live At Massey Hall 1971′ is a religious experience. Just Young with his guitar (or piano) singing some of his best work acoustically, is absolutely amazing to listen to. The atmosphere is haunting, and capturing moments like Young telling off the photographer for taking pictures when he is singing are gold. This is pre-Harvest, and has a couple of different versions of Harvest tracks (such as ‘Old Man’ that is “written about my ranch”), so most of the tracks are largely early obscure gems from his extensive American folk repertoire.

This is part 2 in his ‘Archive Performance Series’, the first being ‘Live At The Fillmore East’ – There are a apparently dozens of CDs to come. Much like Big Kev ‘I’M EXCITED!’.

Seriously, if you are a Neil Young or folk fan, check this out – it is truly amazing.