TheBigBlackRamblings

Recently MK and I were discussing who we would invite to our ‘last supper’. By ‘last supper’ I am talking about the whole Jesus and has 12 apostles thing (see image above). It was only a brief conversation, but it started me thinking – who and what is really needed at the ultimate dinner party? Persons good with conversation, and obviously pizza.

Have a think about it – You can choose 12 guests – alive or dead (and your guest’s preferred pizza flavour), so who would it be?

1. Jesus Christ – Religious Icon

I don’t think Jesus needs an intro – but in case you are a heathen or a Catholic – he is the son of God, and the king of the Jews (and he can turn water into wine, which may be useful at a dinner party).

Jesus is in – obviously. Why? A number of reasons really. 1. He started the whole ‘last supper’ thing (and is the only person on my guess list that was at the first one), so he deserves to be there. 2. He has a lot of cool stuff to say about people, and he is deeply religious (always a good conversation starter). 3. Hey – If nothing else, he has really cool hair.

Jesus would order a Vegetarian pizza, as he is a pacifist. It would be rude of him to get anything with meat on it when he is always surrounded by lambs and bluebirds.

2. Adolf Hitler – Nazi Leader

Adolf Hitler was the mastermind behind the German armies commencement of World War 2. He was a strong believer in The Aryan Nation of German’s controlling the world (although he was actually from Austria…). He was responsible for the deaths of millions – especially Jews.

Adverse to popular belief, Hitler was not a fool, but actually incredibly smart. Using nothing but simple manipulation he managed to turn a nation against the world. That’s a smart man. A madman yes, but smart. Also, due to the whole holocaust thing, there will always be some challenging conversation at the table.

When asked what flavour pizza he would prefer Hitler would ask for ‘Deep Pan Jew with Cheesy Crust’, so he can just have Hawaiian to avoid the United Nations storming my dining room.

3. Joan Of Arc – Hero, Patriot To God, Saint

I always thought a woman (still in her teens) willing to pretend she was a man in order to ride into battle for God and country was pretty cool.

She was brave and obviously devoted – and a French accent at the table is as welcome as Scottish or Irish one. I’ll sit her next to Jesus, but they have to promise not to talk about work all night.

Joan would order an Aussie pizza, because it has egg and bacon, and I think if she couldn’t have a baguette and a frog’s leg, this is what she would want. And a VB. She’d like VB, as she is really tough.

4. Bob Dylan – Songwriter, Musician, Poet

Bob Dylan is the guy that his written more songs that you listen to than any other songwriter. He is credited for starting the folk protest movement of the early sixties, inventing folk-rock, and having the worst voice in popular music.

C’mon – like his music or not, he is someone who can provoke great conversation with a look. One of the things I really like about him is his lack of ego, and the fact that he honestly doesn’t seem to see his cultural or musical significance. A lot of other people don’t either…

Bobby would order a Meat Lovers, then ask for no meat, just to be different. I think I would offer him a Farmer’s Union Iced Coffee too – he is worthy.

I hope he brings his guitar – but he best leave his harmonica at home, as it may annoy a few people.

5. Pauline Hanson – Politician, Fuck Head

I think if you are Australian and don’t know who controversial politician Pauline Hanson is, you have probably been living under a bigger rock than she has. Pauline thinks Australia should be white and proud, and anyone that isn’t white should be allowed to be publicly lynched. She is outspoken and obviously quite low in intelligence, but has somehow managed to rally other undereducated rednecks to support her policies.

Let’s get this straight – I’m not inviting Pauline because I like her – I actually think she is a narrow-minded, racist, cunt – and she is fugly. I am inviting her because she will say things that will get conversation going. Even those that don’t know her will hate her very quickly. Hitler may think she is OK to begin with as she spouts her White Australia propaganda, but I think before too long even he would have the SS lashing her to a log in front of the firing squad.

Pauline would order a Mexican pizza just to act tough, but in all honesty – fuck her. She isn’t good enough for pizza. Let her starve. Even if she is so hungry she is willing to eat her own shitty campaign ideas, she can sit on the floor with the dog while she does it.

6. Carl Barron – Comedian, Paul Kelly Look Alike

The best explanation of Carl Barron is to use the great Aussie cliché – he is ‘piss funny’. He can pull a face, he can tell story – he can even play the piano, and it’s funny. He is one of Australia’s best comedians.

Who wants a dinner party without humour? Bring him on. He will keep it light-hearted, and he may show the video of him and his brother Troy on the ‘Vomitron’ on the Gold Coast. Even Hitler would laugh at that, and he is generally pretty angry. Hitler would also laugh when he takes the piss out of Pauline Hanson. We all we.

Carl wouldn’t want pizza – he would order KFC, and then make a satirical observation about his dad eating a bad piece of chicken in 1978, that crapping in his underpants because of it.

As I said – piss funny.

7. Varg Vikernes (Count Grishnackh) – Pagan Musician, Murderer, Guest At Norway’s Highest Security Prison

Varg Vikernes is legendary (and somewhat notorious) in black metal circles. By his late teens he had recorded a string of brilliant black metal masterworks under the name Burzum, burnt down a number of historical Norwegian and Russian churches, desecrated many-a graveyard, and even killed Mayhem’s guitarist Euronymous (by stabbing him 23 times in the back and head). He is currently still in prison for his crimes. He is a Paganist and believes in Viking ideals. He is often mistaken as being a Nazi, but is actually against their style.

Varg would have to stir up Jesus a bit – and would probably give Hitler some curry too. Although it would again extend his prison sentence (meaning we have to wait longer for any new Burzum material), hopefully he cuts Pauline Hanson open like a fish and ears her flesh as a tribute to Odin. That would be a nice end to a great evening.

Varg would order a Margarita pizza, covered in the blood of his enemies.

8. Borat – Ambassador From Kazakhstan, Star Of ‘Sexy Drown Watch’

If you haven’t yet seen the movie Borat – do so. Now! It is the most fun you will ever have, while feeling guilty you are laughing. ‘Politically incorrect’ is this films motto.

You are thinking – oh you want Sasha, the guy that ‘plays’ Borat and Ali G? No – I want Borat! I want to make sure that every time someone says something inappropriate like ‘God is dead’ or ‘ban all immigrants from entering the country’, Borat gives a mighty cry of ‘HIGH FIVE!’ or tells the table guests his brother Milos is retarded, but is still able to have sex with his sister once a year. Most importantly, he would tell the table that men in his country would not ‘make sexytime explosion on stomach’ of Pauline Hanson, as even they have higher standards than that.

Borat would want ‘his lovely Pamela Anderson’ on his pizza, but I think he will happy with a bear paw instead.

9. Stephen Hawking – Physicist, Supa-Genius

Stephen Hawking is quite possibly the smartest man that has ever lived (besides myself). He has a brain the size of a planet, and because of the processing power needed to run it, his body can’t do anything else, so he is stuck in a wheelchair and has to speak using his computer. I think that is the reason, anyway.

Imagine the conversations with a dude this smart at the table, and when he talks his computer sounds like one of those people that has had their voice-box removed due to smoking and has to talk through a little machine. How cool. Imagine what it will sound like when he tells Pauline Hanson she is ‘a pathetic sack of amoebic proto-plasm’ through that thing. If nothing else, because he is rich and famous and in a wheel chair, he will have lots of sexy woman in skimpy nurses outfits to fetch anything he needs. Truly. I have seen it in heaps of Hollywood movies – that’s what really happens.

Stephen would order a Hawaiian pizza with a mass of less than his own weight if in the atmosphere of Venus, and then try to work out who in their right mind would decide pineapple would taste good on pizza.

10. Kevin Smith – Film Maker, Screen Writer

Kevin Smith is the legendary filmmaker that has written and directed (and appeared in) such films as ‘Clerks’, ‘Mallrats’, ‘Chasing Amy’, ‘Dogma’ etc.

This is a guy that can quote Shakespeare and say ‘Pull my finger’ in the same sentence and get away with it. He is damn funny, but also very smart, so his wit is intended for intelligent people like me. I’m sure Pauline Hanson will struggle with it, but as mentioned earlier, who gives a crap, as she is a simple minded fool that is only being invited to ensure that someone is ridiculed – hopefully by Kevin.

Kevin would order a Margarita pizza, then slip a bit of extra ‘herb’ amongst the oregano.

11. Bob Geldof – Songwriter, Political Activist

You know Bob – The guy that created Live Aid, and (more importantly) sang ‘I Don’t Like Mondays’ with The Boomtown Rats.

Bob is really passionate about everything he does, and unlike Bono, is willing to be a fulltime campaigner if necessary to make our planet a better place. This guy is uber intelligent, and has some very strong opinions, so I might sit him next to knob-jockey Hanson to stir her up.

I don’t think Bob would order pizza – he would want rice so he could feel what the African kids feel when they eat that crud daily.

12. Kylie Minogue – Singer, Eye Candy

I don’t know if she will have anything to say as she has never really been that outspoken, but I have the opportunity to have any guest I wish at my table, so I’d be a fool to pass up this chance. Honestly, I don’t care what she has to say anyway; she just has to be there to look at.

She isn’t allowed to order pizza as it isn’t good for her figure. She can have a lean cuisine or something.

And yes, the gold shorts are compulsory dinner attire. It will be stated on her invite.

Not every one on the list made it – Here are some close calls -

Jim Morrison – Musician, Poet, Junkie- He would be too drunk to join in the conversation (and I would prefer it if no one flashed their genitals at Jesus). Also, I don’t want him hitting on Kylie either… or Pauline – for his reputations sake.

Sean Connery – Actor - Only because I want to hear him say the word ‘sausages’ in that Scottish accent, not for actual conversation.

John Lennon – Musician, Songwriter- I wouldn’t invite him because would only bring Yoko with him, and everyone knows it’s her fault The Beatles broke up…

Jack Black – Actor, Musician, Chic Magnet (self confessed), All Round Feral- I love JB, and would have had him in for sure, but there would be no room for Kyle and his guitar and table – and let’s face it – we need all the D or none of the D really.

Scooby Doo – Speaking Dog, Actor, Secret Dope Smoker- Although he is uber cool, 1. he would show up half-baked with his stoner pal Shaggy 2. he is not actually real 3. he can only say ‘raggy!’ and ‘rover rear’, and I’m not sure if that would be very useful to the conversation.

Charles Manson – Murderer, Nutter- I don’t think he’d work out. He’d pick fights with Hitler over who is more Nazi, and I think it will bring the party down when he cries out ‘RELEASE ME AND I WILL KILL AGAIN!’ every 5 minutes like he did during his last parole hearing.

Jeff Fatt – Wiggle, Apparent Entertainer – He may be funny, and does have a big red car, but the other guests would spend all night telling him to wake up…